Sometimes I wish I believed in God. Because I'm used saying things like "oh my God", "Thank God", "Holy shit" etc. But it doesn't feel right to say "oh my evolution", "Thank Darwin" or "Evolutionary shit". So I decided that I would believe in a religion that requires like least set of things to do... like not having to go to the temple or Sunday mass, not having to feed crows before we eat during festivities etc. And I found just what I was looking for.
Welcome to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was founded by a man named Bobby Henderson to oppose the Kansas State Education dept. for opting to teach Intelligent Design theory as against evolution. The Intelligent Design theory, for those who don't know, proposes that, "certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection." Thus it implies that the "intelligent designer" is God. This theory is the only defense for the religious men against overwhelming evidence of evolution.
But Henderson thought differently. The intelligent designer doesn't need to be God. It could be even a really smart omnipotent lawnmower. Or it could be the Flying Spaghetti Monster(here onward referred to as FSM since I hate typing long words). FSM created the world after getting heavily drunk. There are also other beliefs such as
1. All "evidence" for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in an effort to test Pastafarians' faith — a form of the Omphalos hypothesis. When scientific measurements, such as radiocarbon dating, are made, the Flying Spaghetti Monster "is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage.
2. The Pastafarian belief of heaven stresses that it contains a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Hell is similar, except that the beer is stale, and the strippers have STDs.
3. The official conclusion to prayers is "RAmen".
It even has its own version of the Ten Commandments, but only eight.
The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"
1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey-Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go on a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bastards.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi-million dollar churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
*Ending poverty
*Curing diseases
*Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
Since it is such an easy religion to follow, I've accepted and embraced it. Hope you will also to.
May His Noodly Appendage be with us.
RAmen
Welcome to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was founded by a man named Bobby Henderson to oppose the Kansas State Education dept. for opting to teach Intelligent Design theory as against evolution. The Intelligent Design theory, for those who don't know, proposes that, "certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection." Thus it implies that the "intelligent designer" is God. This theory is the only defense for the religious men against overwhelming evidence of evolution.
But Henderson thought differently. The intelligent designer doesn't need to be God. It could be even a really smart omnipotent lawnmower. Or it could be the Flying Spaghetti Monster(here onward referred to as FSM since I hate typing long words). FSM created the world after getting heavily drunk. There are also other beliefs such as
1. All "evidence" for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in an effort to test Pastafarians' faith — a form of the Omphalos hypothesis. When scientific measurements, such as radiocarbon dating, are made, the Flying Spaghetti Monster "is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage.
2. The Pastafarian belief of heaven stresses that it contains a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Hell is similar, except that the beer is stale, and the strippers have STDs.
3. The official conclusion to prayers is "RAmen".
It even has its own version of the Ten Commandments, but only eight.
The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"
1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey-Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go on a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bastards.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi-million dollar churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
*Ending poverty
*Curing diseases
*Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
Since it is such an easy religion to follow, I've accepted and embraced it. Hope you will also to.
May His Noodly Appendage be with us.
RAmen
hre also noodles??
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought Flying Spaghetti was created as a parody of Scientology.
ReplyDelete