Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

Many of you will know that this is the title of one of the books written by J.K. Rowling other than the Harry Potter series, which is also a reason that you may not know about this book. And I also don't know anything about this book except the title. But its all fiction, by the time you finish the book, a strange thought appears that everything you just read is bullshit.

But there are a few fantastic beasts in real world and I will tell you where to find them.

1. The Dragon

The infamous, fire breathing, flying dragon from Romania as in Harry Potter is based on a creature that existed several hundred years ago(the romantic version of the dragon found in Shrek is purely fictional though). A team of British Scientists found a preserved carcass of few medieval warriors along with a carcass of a large lizard. With a long snout and a longer tail which are characteristic of a lizard but also with pair of wings which are pretty unusual for lizards. Further research indicated that the animal's body is not suitable for flight as per physics. But they also found a large air sac in the animal's body apart from the lungs. Testing the tissue of the air sac, they found that the air sac stores hydrogen. Hydrogen being a lightweight flammable gas acts as a hot air balloon that helps the creature in flight. Flight - check. Scientists also found traces of platinum in the creature's teeth. Platinum noted to be a catalyst for combustion, helps ignite the flammable hydrogen from the animal's air sac. Fire breath - check. Few medieval knights' bodies found near the dragon also fits the imagery of myths speaking of brave knights fighting dragons.

So could the animal be the fabled dragon?

There is one point that has to be observed before answering that question. What is their period of origin? Did they exist along with dinosaurs? If they did, how did they survive the catastrophic even that dinosaurs didn't?

But one thing we can be sure of. Dragons didn't go along well with humans and that may be the reason why knights hunted them. And just like many animals that became extinct, dragons also became extinct because of humans.

2. Vijay Kanth

The superhero who doesn't require a mask. His speciality is keeping the left leg on the wall and kicking with the right leg defying all laws of physics putting Newton's law of gravitation to question. He's been shot at, stabbed, punched, kicked, electrocuted but no one has managed to make a scratch on his body. Unlike many other wannabes, he doesn't require six packs. Even though he has a lot of competition from his telugu counterparts, he has managed to maintain his supremacy, even has his own political party. And where to find him? In the cinemas near you!

3. Max Mosely

Let me introduce you to the most diabolical sports chief of all time, better than Sharad Pawar. This guy has done more damage to an F1 car with this ludicrous rules than a freight train that would hit an F1 car at 300mph. Take a look at the disfigured state of the cars used in this season. Remember how these cars looked last year? Better. This man has survived sex scandals that invovled a Nazi styled orgy. And he has stayed on to make more rules for the next year. And the rule is, no teams should be operating at a budget of more than 40 million pounds. And for you information, Ferrari's budget for this year is a little more than 6oo million pounds. How do you expect a 600 mil team to work with 40 mil? So Ferrari along with other 8 teams including McLaren have decided to break away from F1. So Max has accepted 3 new entrants for the next season. So seven underdogs will be competing for the world title next season, 3 of them who have never been in F1 before and other teams like Force India who have so far found it lucky to even finish a race. Who do you expect to see in F1 other than Ferrari and McLaren? Third rate drivers with cars less reliable than go-karts? You can find him in every F1 website since he has become talk of the motor sports world.

Do you think you know any other Fantastic beasts that I don't? Do post them in comments and best ones will be featured in the next post.

Ciao

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Sometimes I wish I believed in God. Because I'm used saying things like "oh my God", "Thank God", "Holy shit" etc. But it doesn't feel right to say "oh my evolution", "Thank Darwin" or "Evolutionary shit". So I decided that I would believe in a religion that requires like least set of things to do... like not having to go to the temple or Sunday mass, not having to feed crows before we eat during festivities etc. And I found just what I was looking for.

Welcome to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was founded by a man named Bobby Henderson to oppose the Kansas State Education dept. for opting to teach Intelligent Design theory as against evolution. The Intelligent Design theory, for those who don't know, proposes that, "certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection." Thus it implies that the "intelligent designer" is God. This theory is the only defense for the religious men against overwhelming evidence of evolution.

But Henderson thought differently. The intelligent designer doesn't need to be God. It could be even a really smart omnipotent lawnmower. Or it could be the Flying Spaghetti Monster(here onward referred to as FSM since I hate typing long words). FSM created the world after getting heavily drunk. There are also other beliefs such as

1. All "evidence" for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in an effort to test Pastafarians' faith — a form of the Omphalos hypothesis. When scientific measurements, such as radiocarbon dating, are made, the Flying Spaghetti Monster "is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage.

2. The Pastafarian belief of heaven stresses that it contains a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Hell is similar, except that the beer is stale, and the strippers have STDs.

3. The official conclusion to prayers is "RAmen".

It even has its own version of the Ten Commandments, but only eight.

The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"
1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey-Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go on a walk for a change.

5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bastards.

6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi-million dollar churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):

*Ending poverty
*Curing diseases
*Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable

I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

Since it is such an easy religion to follow, I've accepted and embraced it. Hope you will also to.

May His Noodly Appendage be with us.
RAmen

So Much For The List...

After starting the holidays with an ambitious list of things to do, I did none of those things in the list...except sleeping. But I didn't have to watch a Vijay movie to sleep, that would have been dreadful. I've been getting hate mail from people who have tried that. They're complaining that they've had epileptic seizures after watching 10 minutes of his movies. Those who did see the whole movie have stopped believing that Newton's law of Gravitation exists. I sincerely apologise for suggesting that method.

The movie that I did see was called The International. It stars Clive Owen as an Interpol officer and Naomi Watts as a New York District attorney. Its about these two people teaming up to bring down a bank that makes money in illegitimate ways. The film may have appealed to those people who had accounts in Lehmann Brothers or some other bank which crashed and burned in economic recession. Its aimed to be an intelligent thriller but I saw only intelligence but no thrill. The film could have been better if not for its dragging pace.

Besides watching the movie I didn't do anything else that was interesting. I had hopes for getting a part time job in a nearby computer centre(for those who didn't know, I am a certified C programmer and an uncertified expert in AutoCAD). It started like this. I wake up in the first day of the vacation, have a cup of tea in the bed, take a bath, remember that I still haven't brushed my teeth, brushed my teeth and went to eat. As I started with the dosas, My mom told me to write a resume. I ask why. She says that I have to take it to a computer centre. I ask the same question again. She says that I had "an interview" in the nearby computer centre. I ask the same question the third time. She reminds me of the last vacation in which I so splendidly and effectively spent doing nothing and she didn't want that to happen again(she may have read the list, but I couldn't know for sure). So I reluctantly accepted to go and wrote a resume that could have been the most horrible thing written on a paper(except if you write the word "horrible" on a paper). I didn't have anything to write on my resume(except my certified and uncertified expertise mentioned above). And on the eggman went to the interview.

To call it an interview will be like calling a Maruti 800 a Ferrari. The stompy lady on the desk told me that I had a good chance of getting to teach during the evenings. You have no idea how elated I would've been. I was bound to have 3000 per month. I was told I would get a phone call to confirm it. I went to home smiling. Mom, I aced the interview ;)

But the call never came and the next day I checked with them someone had already been hired for the position that I applied for and the stompy lady didn't know that. So much for 3000 rupees. Then the International followed. And that's how the eggman's hopes of getting a job crashed and burned(damn I like this expression).

But I recovered from the failure. I said to myself "You have a destiny. Maybe you aren't supposed to get a job. It wasn't an accident that you typed that list. Maybe God(yeah, the infamous, notorious and pretty much non-existent God) handed it to you. Like the Ten Commandments He handed to Moses". Now I had a mission. I will watch Vijay movie. I will cook something... hopefully edible. And I will do all those things I wrote about in my previous post that I don't remember much now. But I will do those things and fulfill my destiny. I will keep you updated on how I go about it.
For now, I'll leave you.

Ciao.

To Kill Time...

It happened today. At 13:00 hrs. 4th Semester exams for B.E students is officially over. Now its 18:31 hrs as i type this and I am already getting bored. After trying to think deeply about what I should blog about, and miserably failing in that, I've concluded its just as easy to type as it comes in the flow. Its not like my blog readers are going to protest if i write badly. In fact, I don't think they would even care at all. For those who do care, who are currently less than the number of fingers in my hand, and for those who are wondering what to do after a few hours of getting done with exams, here are a few ways to spend time (un)productively. Productive or unproductive, you decide. Right now, I'm gonna improvise the flow.

So here it goes, countdown to the top 10 ways to spend holidays.

10. Turn on the TV and tune into a music channel. Press the mute button. Now watch it. Word is that this is better than watching a dirty movie.

9. Get rid of your old semester books. Make sure you don't dig up stuff that you don't want your mom to see. e.g., Test papers. This sort of stuff is are a reminder of how things suck in life.
WARNING : For those who are expecting arrears, just think before acting.

8. Arrange your DVD collection in alphabetical order. Even if they're pirated.

7. Write a list of things to do to productively spend the holidays, like learning a new language. Then think about how fast your going to give up doing that after you started doing it and strike of those items in the list. If all items get struck out, continue reading below. If not try doing those things until you stop it and then continue reading this. If you are not getting tired of it at all then I congratulate you - you got yourself a way to productively spend time. (I think this point should not be in this list, but as I said in the beginning I'll let you decide.)

6. Can't sleep? Try reading a previous semester book. Or read the next semester book. Both methods have delivered good results.

5. Try writing a beautiful poem for your girlfriend. If you don't have a girlfriend, write it for a girl you want to make your girlfriend. If you are successful, good for you. If you're unsuccessful, you may end up drawing something nice... like a truck or a car.

4. Watch a really bad movie. Like Villu, Kuselan or Alwar. You may either have a great time laughing or a great time sleeping. Either way, you're bound to have great time.

3. If you're not a good singer, try singing. If you don't want anyone to get irritated do it when you're alone. If you do want to irritate someone(like younger/older brother/sister) sing when they are there. When they tell you to shut up, do it louder.

2. Get a cook book. Take a random recipe and cook. If it works out well impress the people around you. If it tastes bad, use it to kill the rat infestation in your place. You might stumble into discovering a new pesticide.

1. Highest rated method in the world. Guaranteed results. Sleep.

If you can think about more ways, please post it in comments. I'll be putting up new posts when I got some time to kill. Which I suppose will happen very frequently. Oh, I forgot to include this method in the list.

Ciao