Life's Worth

WARNING!

Those who are not the sentimental type or not even the pseudo-sentimental type, just close this window/tab and wait for the next post. If you are convinced that you are capable of human emotions, then you may continue reading.

My last post had great response from readers in my college and they wanted more of it. Honestly I was surprised that people even like my writing because I've started focusing on humour so much that the whole post looks like the script for Russell Peters Show. And to be even more honest I got sick of writing about my goddamn (blasphemy!) college. But I wanted to write one more post about it to wrap it up, until 3 days ago.

3 days ago, a friend called. She's got a beautiful telephone voice but since she had got cold, I mistook her for a prank caller. After she convinced me that she was really her, we had some small talk. Small talk got into something more serious and set me on a trail of thoughts. But they were so random and incoherent and mostly full of anger, self-contempt and sadness that I promised to call her back later and tried to figure out what I was really thinking. And I promised myself that I will make a post on my blog about this. I started retracing on what actually gave me those thoughts.

We were talking about our plans after college. She was going to do a post graduate course. Good for her. What was I going to do? Hmmm. I am also going to do a PG, perhaps an MBA. Wait, I'm so sick of studying, so maybe I'll work. But then again, I thought, who was I to decide?

Huh?

Well, I'm Eggman, the master of the eggs. Who buys the eggs? My dad. Who cooks them? My mom. So what the hell do I do? I eat. Is that the only thing my mom and dad are involved in? No. Well, what else are they Involved in? Well, there are some things...actually a lot of things.

Practically everything.

Right from the shoes I buy, the clothes I wear, the money I spend, etc., if my mom or dad's better judgement is not involved then I'm not Involved. And readers, atleast those of my age will agree with me on this point. But have you ever asked yourself why this is so? Because you already know the answer to that question. Because that’s the way it is. It’s like gravity. You know that when the apple fell down, gravity was responsible for that, but you don't know why it was responsible.

Let me take you on a ride through my memory lane as I tell you my side of the story as to why my thoughts on what I was going to do after college made me sad with self contempt. I guess I was so happy in my childhood that I don't really remember much about it. The fog in my memory lifts as I can see some of my life in my mind when I was 10 years old. It’s like watching old black and white Polaroid pictures. I know that I was me when I was 10 years old, but I cannot believe that I grew up to be the same guy. I'm much less happier now.

12 years old, memory gets clearer as I can see myself transferred to a new school. When my dad filled out the application form, or when I wrote the entrance examination, I really didn't feel how much that this will change the way I lived. I thought I did the exam badly, but I was the first of the five to get selected. I got to go to school in a car since its 40 minutes from my home.

First day at school. Remember it quite clearly...as if watching a high definition movie. Tailor did a bad job with my uniform, my trousers are embarrassingly short. Teacher asks me a question in English, and I don't understand what she's telling. The most embarrassing day of my life.

13 years old. I got a crush on a girl. Did a lot of things that when I think about it now, I can't help laughing at myself.

14 years old. Everyone's focussed on the public exam except me. People tell me to get serious but I don't. Life becomes harsh on me all in the sudden. I give up on my crush; decide it’s a passing cloud. Should've done it earlier. I am forced to go to school on MTC buses. My father must have thought I was a bad investment and decided to reduce transportation costs. Exam is over and the results come out and I pass with very average marks. Now my father was convinced that I was a bad investment. I meet a few old school friends. They ask my marks. I tell them. They laugh at me. They can't believe I went to a school 40 minutes away from my home to get these marks. I change the topic.

15 years old. I think I might be good enough to make it to the IITs. 3 months into the school year, I'm convinced I'm not even fit for school. I barely pass that year.

16 years old. I already knew what was going to happen at the end of the school year. I get marks so low that I get a counselling date a month after the counselling began. My father gets me a seat in a reputed college which, I find out after a week in it, is worse than a nut house.

17 years old and life is hectic. It was so much for me that I don't remember much about it except the good times I had with my friends. 18th year was a little easy on me. I get my driver's license and passport. Soon I realise that both will not be useful any soon. My dad says the only way I get to go abroad is for my studies. Useless passport. My brother advises my parents that I'm a rash driver and shouldn't own a bike, out of vendetta because I gave him a troubled time (tore his stamp collection when I was 4 years old, poured water on him when he was sleeping, that was when I was 11 years old) when he was back in India (He works in US of A now). Useless license.

19 years old, I have an argument with my mom about my love life, my point being that since I am the one who is going to tie the knot, I get the freedom of choosing the one I want to marry. Her point is that she gets what she wants...which is actually not a point but a suppressed expression of dictatorship.

And at this point of time I had the same feeling that I had 3 days ago and I looked back on my life just like this. If I had stayed in my old school, I might have scored better marks. When I left my old school at the end of 7th grade, I had the top marks for that year. I have a picture of me getting a prize for that. Now you may think that I blame my dad for getting me transferred to another school and eventually leading me into a pothole of failures, but I don't. He had the best intentions in his mind when he got me into that school. But shit happens. People screw up. Especially those who spend more than two hours on commuting to school.

Getting back to the present, I finally figure out, why I recollected all of this. It’s because I wanted to get reminded of how much my life is worth. I thought am not in control of my life but actually I was. Everything in my life happened with my silent approval. If I had told my father that I was fine in my old school, things might have been better. And I honestly I should not have poured water on my brother when he was sleeping, bad move. So to sum it up, I fucked up.

And I feel absolutely great. Now I know that i'm in control. I have a mom, who makes the best lunch for college (and I regret that sometimes because my classmates eat my lunch), a dad who can buy my bare necessities, even if they are branded. I passed math in middle school because my brother tutored me. I have great friends who expect nothing from me except to be myself. And for these reasons I am forever grateful to the above mentioned people.

Now I am happy.

So when you feel sad or depressed or simply "feel like shit", think about all those people that I mentioned above. They have all spent a chunk of their life for you, they have made an investment on you and some don’t expect returns. And to them you owe a lot. And for the same reason, pull yourself together and go on living your life. If bullies in your school beat you up, fight back. Even if you get your nose broken, you will feel great. Can't have fun in college because of too many rules? Break the rules without getting caught, it’s much more fun. Hate working at your workplace? Save up some money, quit your job and get a new one.

So whatever you do in your life, do it because you want to, not because you have to. You can say no when you don't want to do something. If they don't listen to you, say no louder. Say louder until they listen to you.

I fell great after writing this. Thank you for reading this. And thank you for being my dad/mom/brother/friend.

Ciao